Over the course of the last 11 months since my hysterectomy I have noticed changes almost daily – in my body and in my psyche. Every morning I wake up and take a deep breathe wondering what the day will bring. It is almost like waiting to see what the new features are going to be at the amusement park’s side show. Most noticeable to those around me are my extra 30 lbs (they all swear looks good on me) and my new found ability to cry at the drop of a hat.
It is hard to admit but I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. But since my hysterectomy it feels like I am wearing a “Susan’s on the edge” dress for all to see. This was never more evident to me then when I took an aptitude test before an interview for a new position at my office. I went through all the “pick a word” – this is that – map this graph – to figure out “what I was”. I really wasn’t thinking much about it as I went through it all as I had taken this test a few years ago and I was a something like “perfectionist with a side of analytical thinker”. As I continued to decipher the hidden meaning from the words I had chosen, it started to become clear things had changed. At one point I had to reveal a word that described me next to a number that correlated with some of the findings. This word was “emotional” – so – I immediately got upset and said out loud “No I Am NOT”. Of course this is the just one of several words, but obviously, things had changed.
This is just one of the many changes that have made me different. The shear experience makes me look at life differently. The things that upset people around me just seem so trivial. They just don’t seem to get it – there is so much for them to be thankful for and they seem to ignore it. I had always taken my health for granted. I had kidney stones and broken bones – I figured that would be the worst of it. I currently long for those days. I have had things done to my body in a doctor’s office that I would have thought would have to be done in an operating room. My body has become someone else’s at this point.
Menopause – I have said enough.
Every day seems to bring something new for me to notice; my hair is breaking, my skin has dry patches, I forget words when I am speaking, I have WAY more grey then I did a year ago and I have a HUGE wrinkle between my eyebrows. The one think that never changes – the pain, the pain is always there. I am thankful that the endometriosis is no longer strangling my large intestines and was pulled for me kidneys. I was just hoping for relief, just some. Maybe my personal side show would be easier to take then.
It doesn’t matter the day – I wake up and just lay and bed and wait – what new thing would come to light at my (un)amusement park today?
Posted in Endo, Fighting the Blues, Self Image, Surgery, Hysterectomy & Procedures
Tagged Chronic pain, endo, endometriosis, hysterectomy, menopause, sporkfight, surgery, weight gain
OK, here is a Three for Thursday I can get behind! And I guess also increase my behind at the same time. This week it is about my favorite sweet treats. Everyone needs a treat now and then.
- Tootsie Rolls – I really, really LOVE tootsie rolls. They are so wonderful and a fat free food to boot! Let’s just say that I have had a long love affair with these little babies. They have also had an enabler – my father – he has cultured my love throughout the years. As some college grads have experienced, I found myself stuck and having to live with my parents for a bit. My dad’s way to make it all better = 10 lb bag of Tootsie Rolls. It helped easy the pain, a lot (add some whiskey it took away everything).
- Turtles – Chocolate, caramel and pecans? SIGN ME UP! My mom started me on these when we moved to Atlanta as I was about to start high school. I was a Goo Goo Cluster girl until that time – but they did not have them in the South – what the HELL! My husband now knows my secret lust for these treats – I must have had a turtle a day when I was recovering from my hysterectomy. Chocolate does have healing powers
- ALL the rest of the Chocolate – Yep, I have never met a chocolate I didn’t like – I just like some more than others…. Snow-caps, snickers, dark chocolate, milk chocolate, chocolate with chili, chocolate covered coffee beans, CHOCOLATE & BACON (yum!), 5th avenue bars, baby ruths – seriously I could keep going! I really do love my chocolate.
This Three for Thursday has a dark side – you all know where I am going… For really the first time in my life I have to watch my weight. I have never backed on pounds like I have in the last year – but I have done it. So while I peruse the yummy candys, I have a date daily – with – “The Terminator of Yummy Food”. (picture below)
Seriously, how many battles can a girl fight – at once -with a spork? Apparently it is at least four:
- Dealing with Endometriosis
- Dealing with neuropathy & pain from the above
- Recovering from a serious hysterectomy from the above
- Weight gain from all of the above!
I have been diligently dealing as best I can with numbers 1-3 but I am having some serious issues dealing with #4. I have been blessed all my life in being relatively slim and fit. I can say that this is the absolute heaviest I have ever weighed in my entire life. I have heard all the arguments from people:
“you don’t look heavy”
“you were too skinny”
“your body has been through a lot”
“you are within your ‘normal’ weight limit”
And I can understand were each of these comments comes from. Trust me – I realize a year ago I was in a real fight, not even knowing it. I also realize that my body is dealing with the introduction of hormones + other drugs to assist with the pain, the hysterectomy damage itself as well as repercussions from quitting smoking – for good. But all of that is of little comfort when I try to put a dress on from two years ago and I rip the zipper try to get it over my hips.
Its just that in my 40 years, I have become very accustomed to being in control of my body, the master of my own ship so to speak. It was always in a healthy fashion I took control; first it was gymnastics, then cross country running for years and years and most recently, belly dancing. I have always been in shape and have had excellent muscle tone. I have also always known my body and what it can and can not do. Now I am 30 pounds heavier and faced with “bulbous belly”. If I stand and look at myself naked I have no recognition to the body I see before me. Due to the pain of endometriosis and the resulting neuropathy I find it impossible to turn to my exercises of old – walking and crunches/calisthenics. It is also difficult to look for new exercising options when I am so wiped out by the time the work day is done. Seriously, I can barely Google let alone drag my ass to exercise somewhere!
So now I am left with walking around lakes and museums once a week with my wonderful hubby + as many crunches as I can do until my eyes water. Again, how many battles can a girl face at once? Anyone have suggestions for me? I am all eyes!