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Below is my (edited) inflammatory post from last week. It was only meant to describe how I felt about having to leave my job and what I saw as possibilities. It caused so many issues it was ridiculous. I ended up deleting numerous “friends” from my Facebook because I did not know who would use my words against me and my family. I decided to repost an edited version to share my thoughts and what I see for my possible future. They are my thoughts and feelings and I will not be scared to share them!
Sometimes we all need a little push to get us going in the direction we are meant to go. I had my little push last Friday (9/23) – too bad it was off a cliff. Last week I lost my job of 10 years under ridiculous circumstances. I really didn’t know how to react, yes I was very sad and upset but there was something else too, maybe it was relief.
So – I find myself unemployed. It is hard to know how to react now, I have seen friends and family go through this. They all seem to get upset, mad, vengeful, depressed. I feel almost guilty to say I am happy. I am happy I am no longer there. I am happy to not be yelled at by customers. (edited removal) I am happy to not to have to make employees mind what they say when they are upset and feel they are justified. (edited removal) I am happy not to be trapped at a desk for 9+ hours a day – too busy to get up and go to lunch. I am happy not to come home at night and on the weekends and start working again. (edit removal) I am happy to not hear the things I was hearing and NOT hearing.
I wake up in the morning and now there is no sense of impending doom. I never knew how negatively it mad me feel. God only knows how it made my endometriosis react. While I still have pain, I am able to go lay down for 20 minutes or so until if feels better. It has not been unbearable this week – and to me that is a miracle!
My life is full of possibilities – I could go and work anywhere I want. I don’t have to go into the same field, I can go do something else! I don’t have to work behind a desk – I could go work where I actually help people and feel like I accomplish something. (edited removal) I could get all my knitting in order and start an Etsy shop. I am free to go find me – and to do what will make me happy and keep me healthy.
(new)My husband has been absolutely wonderful during this – even when the original version of this post was “tattling fodder” and spread like wildfire.
(new) Sadly, people I thought were my friends were not – and I had to remove so many people from my contacts just to make sure. But all of life is a learning lesson, right?
I am happy that I got my push-off a cliff – and happier that I landed on a great big mound of possibilities and happiness! When I turn to look back – that cliff was just a stumble!
Ten years ago, I was getting ready to go to work. I was running late for some reason that is lost to the years. As I was walking toward the tv to turn it off, Good Morning American was showing a tight, live shot of a building smoking. In the rushed minutes I stopped in listened. They were reporting that it was a small, most likely Cessna-type plane, had hit the North Trade Tower.
I grabbed my purse, and went to work. The car ride was any other drive to work. Thoughts and talks of things that have become completely irrelevant. The news story I had turned off in a rush was already gone from my mind.
As I walked to my desk and started to settle there was a lot if conversation. Rushed words, comings and goings. And then someone said:
“Another plane hit the other tower, this is an attack”
I didn’t know what to think. An attack? On our soil? By planes? I was lost, as were the rest of us.
What happened next I do not have to recount. It happened to all of us. Shock. Fear. Outrage.
That day, in the frightened calls from family and the shared reaction from my coworkers, a thought that I keep hearing in my mind. This is our Pearl Harbor. This is history. I have to watch. I have see. I have to know. I have to remember.
10 year later, I remember and I will never forget.
Call the fire department because I am scorching the sheets!
In all my rush to get ready for my epidural in four days, I forgot to get one of my prescriptions – an important one. The one that keeps the “mean, hot times “anyway”.
At one point I was so hot and sweaty, I took my temperature – I just knew I was going to blow the end of the thermometer. It was 97.2.
It can’t last forever, right?
Have you ever noticed how the “face” pain scales just do not make any sense? I have noticed this especially when I am in pain. Sometimes they seem more like a slap in the face – like mister “have a nice day” got rained on and has wet shoes. At that point why not start using ice cream scoops for the severity of the pain. “Boy I tell ya, my pain is at a triple decker today!”
Below is a chartwithdescriptions that I feel work out better, at least for me.
I am happy to say that I have never been to “Too Serious for Numbers”.
0 = All is clear, running on all cylinders without problem
1 = Hey there, what’s that? Oh well.
2 = OK, I felt something that could become comfortable at some point
3 = There it was again, still do not like it.
4 = Yep, that is definite pain.
5 = Hey – its back. And it has a friend, neither are nice.
6 = There is definitely a disturbance in the force.
7 = This is already uncomfortable and now I have jumpy leg syndrome to off set my brain from noticing.
8 = WOW – this is not cool, I need drugs.
9 = Please, no one touch me.
10 = I need full sedation to survive.
11 = No speech or other communication possible just searing, complete pain.
Too Serious for Numbers = I will not recover – ever. Praying for a quick death.