Category Archives: Self Image

My Get Up and Go

Unable to motivate myself today. It is a cold rainy day in Florida. I have 4 little cuddlers in bed with me & a 6.75 on the pain scale. Must remember not to scrub bathroom floor on hands & knees. I have found that weather changes also increase the endometriosis and neuropathy pain.

I was going to go to the gym for the first time today, but I don’t want to make it worse. I also don’t want to risk making the gym a big negative in my head because I decide to go and make myself hurt more.

I know I have been neglecting my sporkfight as of late. Sadly since the loss of job & work laptop I have had a tough time sitting at the PC. Hopefully I will be able to rectify the situation after my tax refund. *fingers crossed*

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Road Trip!

Today I am doing the impossible! Or at least it was the impossible a year ago.
I am actually going to get in my car and take a road trip!

I have not been away from my home city in almost 3 years. My endometriosis and resulting neuropathy have left me stuck here. A town may not be able to physically hold someone hostage, but has been starting to feel that way.

I am going to go visit my parents about 3+ hours away. I have a lot of things running through my head:

  • Will I be crippled with pain at some point on the drive?
  • What will my parents think when they see me post 4+ surgeries? I have gained weight and wrinkles.
  • Will the pain get me back tomorrow?

I currently don’t know the answers to any of these. I only know – I’m excited, ROAD TRIP!

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Just Have To…

I need to write, daily, I just have to. I write to get it out – it helps me feel better and get rid of things that are bothering me. Going through endo is lonely and scary – then put unbelievable pain on top of it.

I first I slowed down because I was recovering from the second epidural and I was a bit down because it did not help as much as I hoped.

Then I didn’t want to write because I was embarrassed that I am currently unemployed.

Finally, it was time to write last Friday. I spoke of losing my job and how it made me feel and the possibilities I now see.

I don’t know who, I don’t know why, but a former coworker sent the blog to my former boss. Needless to say it caused issues.

I don’t know who did this BUT I do know that you don’t read this blog because you care about me and my life with endometriosis.

So, to the ass hat who feels the need to tattle:

I am sure that there are other things you could do with your time then read the blog of someone you don’t like… So do those things instead.

And to all those those it passed to because of gossip and hearsay:

Thanks! You nearly tripled my average page views – now, get back to work!

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The ‘This Is It’ ride

I found the perfect used bike this weekend, actually, my husband found it. I was able to pick it up during lunch yesterday and I was so excited! Every so often, I would stroll over to look out the window to see it all shiny in the sunshine hooked to the back of my car (don’t tell my boss).

I was going for a bike ride! I kept thinking how THIS IS IT! This is me starting to take my body back. This is me getting in shape and shedding some of my 30 lbs I “found” this year. This is me getting to spend time with my husband doing something he enjoys doing. This is me taking my life back from endometriosis!

As the day went on my discomfort turned for the worse. The longer I worked, the more my pain increased. It became clear that my “this is it” bike ride was not going to happen. It’s ok – I have to listen to my body and all that. I was disappointed but all the pain distracted me from it.

I am happy to say that I got my “this is it” bike ride this evening. I went for a 3/4 mile bike ride with my husband. We went just down the hill to a large grave yard by our house. We figured this would allow me to get used to this bike’s gears, adjust the seat, things along that line.

It immediately become clear why this ride was off public roads. The “this is it” ride quickly turned into: this girl has no balance, this girl has issues steering, this girl can not talk and stay on the trail and this girl gets distracted easily and turns towards where she is looking. Lastly, this girl still has endometriosis and can only do what my body will allow.

My bike ride did not turn out how I wanted, but it did happened. And it will happen again tomorrow and every other day I can climb onto that bike and peddle!

I may have to live with endo but I will take my life back.

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Words Hurt pt. 2 – or How Ridiculous People Are

So the the day has been mainly wonderful!  I have been able to do much more than I have been in such a long time.  I actually got to go to my favorite yarn shop and SIT and knit for hours.  I honestly have no memory of the last time I was able to do this.  Granted there is still pain – but there seems to be a muzzle on the rabid beast.

I am trying not to get too excited, because I do not want to be crushed if it comes back.  So, for the time being we are at status Cautiously and Hopefully Optimistic.   (with all fingers and toes crossed; turning at sunrise 3 times west then 4 times east finishing by hopping backwards on one foot).

It was a big day.  I am proud of myself, I am proud of my husband for still loving me, I am proud of my doctors (except for the part when they left me fanny naked up for way too long) – HELL I am proud of my furry babies for being so cute and cuddly.

I came home after my big day and napped.  I didn’t want to push it.  I will do what have done for the last year and half and take it easy tonight,  This entails dinner at home. laying horizontal, maybe paint my nails and watching other people living their lives through the social media(s).

So – I was commenting on a friend/co-workers photo of his cat.  The comments went something like this:

Me: “That is a happy cat”
Friend: “She is getting her tummy scratched”
Me: “Some ladies really like that”

AND this is where is gets ridiculous… And this also shows how brave the ignorant, immature and hateful can become behind a computer …

Errant Asshole: “Some Ladies aren’t even ladies because they had all their reproductive parts taken out”
Me: “Wow, that’s mature.  At least I have more balls then you”

I mean – what are you to say about that?  It is an obviously disgruntled formal employee dismissed from his position by another manager.  He just happens to have a wide aim on his hatred gun.  Usually my friends who are still in touch with him remove these kind of posts quickly.  I know I should have let this one go – but I had to FIGHT LIKE A GIRL on this one for all my hyster sisters.

It is funny that people – but not surprising men – do not get that we are more then walking tits with reproductive organs tucked inside.  There.  It’s said.

And come ON – I was commenting on a freaking CAT PICTURE!  Let me know if you want to step in the ring 😉

Pain, Yes – But I Can Can

Yes, still a lot of pain today, ironically, from pain management yesterday.

Today the pain was like lightning again – and the meds don’t seem to touch it.

I seem to really be struggling to stay positive for the Caudal Epidural on Friday. I really fear (near panic) the thought of a needle in my spine as well as this being my 7+ surgery/procedure I have hoped to be pain free after.

My self worth and image are straight down the crapper due to pain, lack of sleep and feeling like I let every one down.

So – I am putting on my big girl skirts and remembering that I CAN CAN!

I Can function in pain with no sleep.
I Can ignore lightning down my leg.
I Can not freak out at scary spine needles.
I Can still find hope.
I Can love me no matter what.
I Can know I do all my body allows me.

And I can Can Can (in my dreams). Who wants to Can Can with me?

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(un)Amusement Park

Over the course of the last 11 months since my hysterectomy I have noticed changes almost daily – in my body and in my psyche.  Every morning I wake up and take a deep breathe wondering what the day will bring.  It is almost like waiting to see what the new features are going to be at the amusement park’s side show.  Most noticeable to those around me are my extra 30 lbs (they all swear looks good on me) and my new found ability to cry at the drop of a hat.

It is hard to admit but I have always worn my heart on my sleeve.  But since my hysterectomy it feels like I am wearing a “Susan’s on the edge” dress for all to see.  This was never more evident to me then when I took an aptitude test before an interview for a new position at my office.  I went through all the “pick a word” – this is that – map this graph –  to figure out “what I was”.  I really wasn’t thinking much about it as I went through it all as I had taken this test a few years ago and I was a something like “perfectionist with a side of analytical thinker”.  As I continued to decipher the hidden meaning from the words I had chosen, it started to become clear things had changed.  At one point I had to reveal a word that described me next to a number that correlated with some of the findings.  This word was “emotional” – so –  I immediately got upset and said out loud “No I Am NOT”.  Of course this is the just one of several words, but obviously, things had changed.

This is just one of the many changes that have made me different.  The shear experience makes me look at life differently.  The things that upset people around me just seem so trivial.  They just don’t seem to get it – there is so much for them to be thankful for and they seem to ignore it.  I had always taken my health for granted.  I had kidney stones and broken bones – I figured that would be the worst of it.  I currently long for those days.  I have had things done to my body in a doctor’s office that I would have thought would have to be done in an operating room.  My body has become someone else’s at this point.

Menopause – I have said enough.

Every day seems to bring something new for me to notice; my hair is breaking, my skin has dry patches, I forget words when I am speaking, I have WAY more grey then I did a year ago and I have a HUGE wrinkle between my eyebrows.  The one think that never changes – the pain, the pain is always there.  I am thankful that the endometriosis is no longer strangling my large intestines and was pulled for me kidneys.  I was just hoping for relief, just some.  Maybe my personal side show would be easier to take then.

It doesn’t matter the day – I wake up and just lay and bed and wait – what new thing would come to light at my (un)amusement park today?

Three for Thursday! 8.18.2011

OK, here is a Three for Thursday I can get behind! And I guess also increase my behind at the same time. This week it is about my favorite sweet treats. Everyone needs a treat now and then.

  1. Tootsie Rolls – I really, really LOVE tootsie rolls. They are so wonderful and a fat free food to boot! Let’s just say that I have had a long love affair with these little babies. They have also had an enabler – my father – he has cultured my love throughout the years. As some college grads have experienced, I found myself stuck and having to live with my parents for a bit. My dad’s way to make it all better = 10 lb bag of Tootsie Rolls. It helped easy the pain, a lot (add some whiskey it took away everything).
  2. Turtles – Chocolate, caramel and pecans? SIGN ME UP! My mom started me on these when we moved to Atlanta as I was about to start high school. I was a Goo Goo Cluster girl until that time – but they did not have them in the South – what the HELL! My husband now knows my secret lust for these treats – I must have had a turtle a day when I was recovering from my hysterectomy. Chocolate does have healing powers
  3. ALL the rest of the Chocolate – Yep, I have never met a chocolate I didn’t like – I just like some more than others…. Snow-caps, snickers, dark chocolate, milk chocolate, chocolate with chili, chocolate covered coffee beans, CHOCOLATE & BACON (yum!), 5th avenue bars, baby ruths – seriously I could keep going! I really do love my chocolate.
This Three for Thursday has a dark side – you all know where I am going… For really the first time in my life I have to watch my weight. I have never backed on pounds like I have in the last year – but I have done it. So while I peruse the yummy candys, I have a date daily – with – “The Terminator of Yummy Food”. (picture below)