Category Archives: Fighting the Blues

Bending = No No

Today has been one of the worst pain days that I can remember in the last few months. At least I believe that I have a specific correlation between bending over and having extreme pain follow.

It is hard to know “when to say when” if you are doing what are considered normal tasks. I am talking about just wiping up the kitchen floor after spilling something, well, twice. I don’t have any extreme pain while doing these chores – but about 6-8 hours later = holy shit!!! (pardon my French)

Today I sat at my desk with tears in my eyes due to it hurting so badly. And the guilt that comes with knowing I can’t do any more. I had obviously gone way past “when to say when” hours before. But now I know:

Bending = no no. And I am calling the doctor tomorrow.



Sometimes, I feel I am just sitting in an empty room watching others’ lives whirl by. Keeping me sitting in this empty room is my pain – it is my constant, unwelcome companion.

While I sit in my empty room I still feel the sun streaming in to warm my face. And my favorite love visits and fills the room with love.

Sometimes, while I sit in my empty room, I think of what could have been, having little versions of my favorite love – and me – to fill this empty room.

Sometimes I sit in my empty room and watch others’ lives but remain with love in my heart and my favorite by my side.


Wandering Near and Nearer?

Today – I finally put my mind to figuring out when the last time I was “out of town”. After thinking about it – I realized it was Thanksgiving 2009. That was the last time I left this city.

So – thinking that is a pretty sad state of affairs – I began to wonder exactly what is the furthest I have traveled from my house in that time? Today – I came to the conclusion that it is 25 minutes. I made that trip today and I timed it to be sure – 25 minutes. That is about how long it takes for me to start to be uncomfortable while I am sitting. It was a quick trip to pick something up at a friend’s house. So – that is 25 minutes there (5 minute rest from sitting) 25 minutes back. A total of 50 minutes with a short 5 minute interlude of standing. So – that takes us to 55 minutes.

Today – on the drive back – I realized that at minute 40 of those 55 minutes that my eyes started watering. Just watering – of their own accord. I was just hurting. It was weird, I noticed that they were watery and I just wiped it away without thinking. Today – I realized – is not the first time I have done that. It just happens – so I wipe them away. Today I put it together those watery eyes happen more often then I would like. Today they were watery 40 minute eyes. Tomorrow they may be 30 minutes in a chair, watery eyes.

For the time being of my todays – I wander nearer.

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